Bow Down: How to Care for a Frenchie Like Me

Hello, dear readers! It is I, Winston, your weekly beacon of French Bulldog wisdom and glamour. Today, I come to you with a very important announcement: September is Responsible Dog Ownership Month. You see, too many of you humans bring us adorable canines into your lives without truly understanding what it takes to care for us. This leads to all kinds of problems, like us running the show or, worse, being abandoned.

So, in honor of this month, I have decided to educate you on what it takes to own a dog of my caliber—and spoiler alert, not just anyone is worthy of this responsibility. Let’s just say, if you can’t handle “The Winston Care Guide,” a simpleton poodle might be more your speed. Shall we get started?

The Basics of Winston Care

For most people, responsible dog ownership means providing basic necessities: food, water, training, affection, and tummy rubs galore. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. You see, while that might work for your average floppy-eared mutt, owning a high-class Frenchie like moi is an Olympic-level commitment.

Here are just some of the basic essentials you’ll need to master to be lucky enough to bask in my Frenchie glow:

1. Weekly Spa Rituals of the Gods: Maintaining the flawless allure of my wrinkled, utterly irresistible face requires nothing short of divine intervention. Mud baths infused with gold dust? Essential. Lavender and unicorn-tear paw soaks? A must. My fur doesn’t glisten by magic—this is a carefully orchestrated masterpiece. Bow down.
2. Full Support for My Oscar-Worthy Drama: I am not just a dog; I am a tortured artist. Each wistful glance, each heart-wrenching sigh, is a performance. I demand applause, sympathetic head tilts, and phrases like, “Oh, Winston, how do you bear it all with such grace?” My suffering deserves a standing ovation, minimum.
3. A Throne Worthy of My Majesty: Dog beds? How dare you. I require a velvet-clad throne, perhaps adorned with gold trim, nestled in a sunbeam that follows me around like the spotlight I deserve. Anything less is treason, and treason shall not be tolerated.
4. Intellectual Stimulation for the Sophisticated: Chase a ball? Spare me. I demand challenges that stimulate my refined mind—luxury puzzles where the reward is artisanal cheese flown in from France or screening marathons of Downton Abbey. I’m not just a dog; I’m a cultural icon.
5. Infinite Snacks, Forever: Let me make this crystal clear: I demand a constant, never-ending supply of snacks. Imported, gourmet, and perfectly arranged, of course. A snackless Winston is a catastrophe of epic proportions, and trust me, you don’t want to see that apocalyptic level of drama unfold.

These are just the basics to care for me properly, dear readers. If you really want to go above and beyond, you can host elaborate dinner parties in my honor, commission a custom portrait of me to hang above the fireplace, or even help me run for public office. Only the finest extravagances will do.

What Will Happen Otherwise?

War.

Adopt Carefully

So, let the takeaway from this week be this, my dear humans: bringing a dog into your life is a responsibility, not a whim! And if that dog happens to be me, Winston, you must prepare to rise to extraordinary standards.

For those of you who are up to the challenge, bravo. You’ll be rewarded with dramatic side-eyes, perfectly timed snores, and eternal devotion from the most exceptional companion you’ll ever meet.

For the rest of you? There’s no shame in aiming lower. (But there is shame in thinking I’ll pretend to be impressed by a Craigslist chew toy.)

Until next week, keep loving us dogs properly and keep the snacks coming.

With impeccable charm,

Winston 🐾