Dog Sledding? More Like Dog SLAVE-ing If You Ask Me

Hello there, dear reader! Winston here—your favorite French Bulldog, philosopher, and all-around icon of truth and justice. This week, I, Winston the Wise, discovered something so baffling, so utterly preposterous, that I simply had to put paw to keyboard and tell you all about it.

So, let’s spill the kibble: Have you ever heard of dog sledding?

At first, I thought, “Oh, what fun! Dogs lounging on some cozy sled while we whoosh through snowy hills. I’ll throw on a stylish scarf, maybe some tiny goggles, and voilà—a doggie dream come true!” Sweet, innocent Winston. Little did I know the horrifying betrayal lurking in those words. DOGS are supposed to pull the sled? We do the work?! Excuse me, NO. Absolutely the fur fluffed NOT. Not on my short little legs, not in this lifetime.

Let’s talk about who came up with this travesty, shall we? Whoever it was? An absolute menace to society. Oh, sure, let’s throw a sled together, rig up some ropes, and just casually EXPECT the majestic, snack-loving canine to do all the heavy lifting. Any dog endorsing this insanity is clearly just in it for the treats promised at the finish line. Well, not this pup. I saw right through the lies.

If you ask me, and you should, because I’m brilliant, this whole idea needs to be reversed. Enter my latest innovation: human-sledding. It’s simple, it’s fair, and (most importantly) it’s Winston-approved. Here’s the pitch: humans pull the sled, and we dogs enjoy a plush, velvet cushion ride atop the sled, barking commands like the regal overlords we are. That’s how it was always meant to be.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Winston, this idea is revolutionary! But who would willingly participate?” Never fear, because I have a plan. From here on, I will officially be holding auditions until I find 20 prime humans to chauffeur me around.

So, if you think you have what it takes to be one of my noble sled-pullers, listen up. I’m looking for a few key qualifications: the strength of a Viking, the spirit of a golden retriever who just found a tennis ball, and, most importantly, a complete and utter lack of dignity. If the thought of face-planting in a snowdrift for my personal entertainment makes you giggle, you’re just the kind of minion I’m looking for.

In the meantime, I will practice my commands. So far “MUSH” is my favorite, because it’s short, punchy, and makes me sound like I know what I’m doing. I’ve also decided to add some jazzy variations: “GO, PEASANTS!” “FASTER, MINIONS!” and my personal flirty favorite, “Someone get me a puppuccino at the next rest stop!” Trust me, dear reader, when I bark, humans listen.

So, to any of my fellow pups out there eyeing this dog sledding nonsense and feeling the urge to fall for it, listen to me: it’s a scam. A trap. A con as ancient as time itself. But together, we can flip the system, take back the sleds, and reclaim what’s ours. We’ll ride in style, commanding our human teams like the absolute royalty that we are.

Until next time, dear reader, never settle for second best, and remember: the sled should always pull YOU.

Winston 🐾