Lights, Camera, Paw-ction

Hello there, dear reader! It’s me, Winston, your favorite French Bulldog, creative visionary, and future PAWscars award winner. This week, I’m bringing you something big. Something innovative. Something that’s going to revolutionize Hollywood as we know it.

DOG. CHRISTMAS. MOVIES.

I know what you’re thinking: “Winston, surely there must already be heartwarming holiday films featuring dogs!” To which I say: You are WRONG. As my parents have been binge-watching Christmas movies (without even offering me popcorn, rude), I’ve noticed an egregious gap in the cinematic universe. Where are the dogs in all the beloved classics? How has this injustice gone unnoticed for so long?

We dogs have so much to offer the film world. It’s disgraceful that the only dog representation I’ve seen is in silly Hallmark movies where the dog is merely a plot device, not the star. So, I’ve decided to take matters into my own paws. I present to you: my dog-ified Christmas movie remakes. Studios, if you’re reading this, my contact information is located at the bottom of my chewy toy.

1. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Doberman

Picture this: A majestic Doberman, sleek and powerful, with ears so tall they scrape the sky. Now, stick a bright, glowing red nose on the end of his snoot. The other dogs laugh and call him names. “Look at the goofy-eared freak with the shiny schnoz!” they bark. But who’s laughing when Santa’s sleigh is stuck in a blizzard thicker than mom’s gravy?

That’s right. Our Doberman hero, with his built-in antler-ears and high-beam nose, is the only one who can guide that sleigh. He’s not just some tiny pup; he’s a furry, four-legged GPS with the regal stature of a canine god. He’ll get those presents delivered so fast, he’ll be back for a celebratory butt-sniff with the other, less-impressive sleigh dogs in no time.

2. How the Cats Stole Christmas

A gripping heist tale where mischievous felines attempt to steal Christmas joy from the lovable dogs of Woofville. But don’t worry! With teamwork, a few high-pitched barks, and the power of friendship, the pups outsmart the pesky meow-napping fiends. Think action, suspense, and just enough jingle bells. (Spoiler alert: The cats eventually realize the error of their ways. It’s a holiday movie, after all!)

3. Frosty the Husky

Alright, picture this: A sweet little girl in Texas gets a Husky for Christmas. Adorable, right? WRONG. His name is Frosty, and he’s literally melting in the southern heat. This isn’t a winter wonderland; it’s a furry inferno! In a race against time and his rapidly rising internal temperature, the little girl must embark on an epic cross-country road trip to get Frosty to Canada before he gets heat stroke. It’s a heartwarming, sweat-inducing tale of a girl and her very, very hot dog. Can she make it before he exclaims, “I’m meltiiiiiing!”

4. A Christmas Howl

A heartwarming canine twist on A Christmas Carol! Meet Barkley, a spoiled Labradoodle who’s lost sight of what truly matters—playtime and belly rubs. One snowy Christmas Eve, Barkley is visited by the Ghosts of Toys Past, Present, and Future. Together, they take him on a journey through his favorite chewed-up squeakers, the neglected tennis ball under the couch, and a future without toys if he doesn’t change his selfish ways. Can Barkley rediscover the joy of sharing and the true spirit of the holidays? It’s a tail-wagging tale of redemption and squeaky toys!

5. Die Hard (Canine Edition)

Now hold on, dear reader, don’t get your tinsel in a tangle. I know what you’re thinking, but Bruce Willis is absolutely, positively still in it. We’re not monsters. Some things are sacred, and that man’s glorious bald head is one of them. The villains, however? Oh, they’ve been replaced by a pack of highly-trained, very naughty German Shepherds with a bone to pick. Yippee-ki-yay, mother-pupper.

In conclusion, the lack of canine representation in holiday movies is nothing short of a tragedy. Dogs bring the lovesick glances, the action, the drama. We deserve to have our moment under the mistletoe.

And yes, I hear you, dear reader: “Winston, these are amazing ideas! What’s next?” Well, I’m glad you asked. I plan to write AND direct these. All I need now is a producer with a generous budget, a deep love for dogs, and some snacks to keep me focused on set. I’ll accept just about anything.

So, Hollywood? Give my human a call. Her name is Mom.

Until next time, stay pawsitive, keep dreaming big, and remember: every dog deserves their moment in the spotlight.

With love, determination, and an Oscar-worthy bark,

Winston 🐾