Mind Control and Microchips!

Hey there, dear reader. It’s me, Winston, your favorite French Bulldog, back with another weekly update. And boy, do I have something mind-blowing to talk about this week. Literally. We’re talking about microchips. Yes, those things that apparently live inside us dogs. This week, I learned that May is “Chip Your Pet Month”—and, to say I was shook would be an understatement.

I tore into the house, barking like mad at my humans. “Chip? What chip? Why didn’t you tell me about this before?” I demanded, flopping onto the couch dramatically.

My humans tried to reassure me, saying things like “Oh, don’t worry, Winston, it’s just a small microchip that will help us find you if you ever get lost.”

But I wasn’t convinced. A tiny chip implanted inside my body? That sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie, perhaps one of the most cinematic movies of all time …

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’d like to believe the humans have good intentions here, but what if this is just the first step in some larger plan? What if one day, they activate the chips with a secret command like “Execute Order Bow Wow” and suddenly we’re all brainwashed into being their pawns?! One minute, I’m napping, and the next, I’m part of a mind-controlled dog army leading a revolt against a local cat café. (I’m not saying I wouldn’t win, but still.)

I had to investigate this chip further.

What Even is a Microchip?

After a few (okay, a lot of hours scrolling the “human internet,” I learned that microchips aren’t the evil mind-control devices I initially suspected. Turns out, they’re more like a high-tech ID tag that lives inside us—a permanent name tag but with far fewer outfit options. If a dog gets lost (not me, obviously—I’ve got the navigational skills of a homing pigeon), the chip helps humans reunite us with our families. )

According to the American Veterinary Medical Association (AVMA), 1 in 3 pets will go missing at some point in their lifetime. While collars and tags can fall off or get lost, microchipping is a permanent form of identification that greatly increases the chances of being reunited with your humans. Plus, it’s painless and can be done during a routine vet visit. That’s a win-win, right? Especially for those less refined dogs who go tearing off after squirrels without a second thought.

But wait, there’s more! Microchips aren’t just for dogs and cats. Birds, reptiles, and even horses can get chipped, too. Imagine being reunited with your beloved parrot or a horse named Mr. Whiskers (hey, no judgment) thanks to a tiny microchip. Oh, and did you know microchips can store important medical information? In emergencies, a quick scan gives veterinarians access to a pet’s history, helping them provide the best care possible.

As for me? A sophisticated dog with impeccable manners who never ventures more than three feet from my throne (aka the couch)? I’m still not convinced I need one. But for everyone else? Sounds pretty helpful.

Microchips Aren’t All Bad … But I’m Watching

Here’s the deal, humans. Microchips are useful for keeping tabs on your four-legged companions, but just don’t go getting any funny ideas about chips with mind-control capabilities, okay? Because if you try to put a chip directly into my brain, all bets are off. I’ll dig mine out myself if I have to. I’ll rally the dogs. I’ll be their leader. My reign would go down in history as The Great Frenchie Rebellion. Imagine it now, dear reader. Statues of me in every park. A national Winston Day. “Free the Frenchies!” would become our battle cry.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some plotting to do… for your safety, of course. You’re welcome.

Yours in canine genius,

Winston

King of Couch Cushions, Hero of the Dog Realm, and your weekly dispenser of truth 🐾