My Eyes Have Been Lied To!

Hello, dear readers! It is I, Winston, the most glamorous French Bulldog in all the land, barking to you live from the depths of an existential crisis. You might be wondering, “Oh no, Winston, has something catastrophic happened? Did your humans run out of cheese? Did they bring home another dog?” No, my friends, it is far more sinister than that.

I have just learned that I CAN’T SEE AS MANY COLORS AS HUMANS.

I’ll pause here for dramatic effect so that you can collapse into the appropriate level of outrage on my behalf. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Are we all sufficiently scandalized? Good. Because I have thoughts—oh do I have THOUGHTS—and a tale of betrayal to share. Gather ’round, friends, and let me tell you how my week was completely uprooted by this staggering revelation.

The Fateful Discovery

It all started with an innocent question. My humans were tossing my favorite red ball—well, what used to be my favorite red ball—when one of them casually mentioned, “Winston can’t really see red, you know.”

Excuse me, WHAT?!

Apparently, dogs (aka me, the pinnacle of evolution) can only see blue and yellow hues. Red, orange, green?! All just muddy, lifeless shades of BLAH to my beautiful eyes. My humans thought this was adorable. I, on the other paw, was immediately thrust into a spiral of despair.

WHAT ELSE HAVEN’T THEY TOLD ME? Have I been running circles around the yard chasing a ball that I… CAN’T EVEN PROPERLY SEE? Were the vibrant rainbows of my puppyhood whole-cloth LIES? Where does it end?

The Investigation

Never one to take such affronts lightly, I plunged into action to uncover the truth. Here’s what I learned:

• Colors I Can Actually See: Apparently, blues and yellows are where it’s at for me. Blue ball? Gorgeous. Yellow toy? Stunning. Red toy? Might as well be invisible.
• How It Works: Humans have THREE types of cones in their eyes, while I only have TWO. Does this make humans better? No. It makes them show-offs.
• What This Means For Me: Red? Green? Orange? Brown? All the same murky, drab shades.

The Identity Crisis

Naturally, this revelation prompted an immediate existential crisis. I spent the rest of the day staring at my toys—piles of reds, greens, and oranges—and realized my toy collection is a monochromatic mess! Not one kind soul thought to stock up on blue or yellow toys to cater to my aesthetic.

So, what did I do? The only logical thing, of course: staged a dramatic protest.

1. Step 1: I dragged every single one of my red and green toys to the living room, dumped them in a pile, and stared accusingly at my humans. They seemed confused at first (“What a good boy! He’s organizing his toys!”), but the withering side-eye I threw quickly corrected that narrative.
2. Step 2: I then dramatically flopped onto my belly, sighed heavily, and refused to engage with a single toy until they made amends.
3. Step 3: After several (clearly distressing) hours of being ignored, they GOT THE MESSAGE. Before the day ended, a shiny new blue squeaky ball appeared in my toy box. A victory for Winston!

The Demands

Now, while I appreciate the effort, a single ball does not erase years of living in a misinformed, drab-colored world. Effective immediately, I am instituting the following changes to my household:

1. All toys must be blue or yellow. Why would I waste my limited visual capacity on those other silly colors?
2. All food bowls and mats must be blue. Why? Because my royal eyes deserve stimulation even during mealtime.
3. Hooman outfits must be curated. No more red shirts! From now on, I will approve all wardrobe choices to ensure I am only surrounded by colors that I can appreciate.

The Healing Process

To my fellow canines reading this (and the enlightened humans within ear-scratching distance): DO BETTER. Recognize your dog’s viewing limitations, and for heaven’s sake, stop trying to convince us that a red frisbee is exciting. It’s not. It’s brown, my friends—a lifeless, drab shade of BROWN.

For now, I’ll try to recover from this emotional upheaval with a nap (obviously), but rest assured, I’ll wake up ready to fight for a more visually stimulating future. Together, we can build a world where every ball, every toy, and every dog park honors the limited yet beautiful spectrum of canine vision.

Until next time, PLEASE—ditch the red!

Winston 🐾