Winston’s Fourth of July Survival Jubilee

Takes a deep breath.

God bless our troops, God bless America, AND GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINESSSSSSS……

Oh! Hello there, dear reader. Don’t mind me, I’m just letting off some patriotic steam. Why? BECAUSE IT’S THE FOURTH OF JULY, BABY. WOOOO!

America is basically THE best. For the short year and a half I’ve been alive, this amazing country has fully supported my passions, which include, in no particular order:

• Grilled hot dogs (You won’t find these bad boys anywhere else. Just don’t talk about how the sausage gets made!).
• 340 million people for me to guilt into doing my bidding.
• Freedom. Specifically, the freedom to snooze uninterrupted for 15 hours straight.

Because of this, the Fourth of July is literally one of the best holidays ever. It’s about good food, good vibes, and reminding everyone that WE’RE THE BEST COUNTRY EVER WOOOOOO. But… then… the fireworks come. Oh, I can hear them now, my legs are already shaking.

Here’s the thing about fireworks. They’re loud, flashy, and unpredictable. They are basically the dog version of your Wi-Fi breaking during a Netflix binge—it’s horrifying, and you don’t know when it will stop.

My humans think they’re beautiful, but I can’t relate. I mean, honestly. I can hear a cheese wrapper being opened from three counties away. What do you think fireworks sound like to these delicate little ears? Katy Perry’s annoyingly catchy tunes?

Last year, I suffered through them like the champ I am, but this year, I’m coming prepared. Oh yes, thanks to my genius-level doggy brain, I’ve assembled the ultimate Fourth of July survival guide. Take notes, my furry friends (just not you, Yorkies) — it’s a game-changer.

Winston’s “Boom-Proof” Survival Plan

1. Doggy Muffs:

Step aside, fashion icons. I’ve got noise-canceling earmuffs, baby! Not only do they make the kabooms sound like distant grumbles, but they also give me a chic, “air-traffic control but adorable” look. I wear them with pride.

2. The Magical Calming Shirt:

Imagine someone wrapped you in a comforting burrito of love. That’s this shirt. It’s snug, it’s calming, and yes, I work it like it’s Paris Fashion Week. Self-care never looked so good.

3. Treats = Instant Zen:

My humans got me these special calming treats, which are basically tiny morsels of peace disguised as snacks. They’re so tasty I almost forget about the fireworks. Almost.

4. Hidey-Hole Haven:

When all else fails, there’s my super-exclusive, VIP panic room (read: the space under Mom and Dad’s bed). They’ve lined it with blankets, a toy or two, and one of their smelly shirts. It’s like the coziest “no-firework zone” on earth.

5. The Ultimate Distraction Technique:

Finally, we’ve set up a fireworks distraction movie marathon, starring my idol, Batman. Comfort plus inspiration equals one very chill pup.

Braving the Storm

Am I still nervous for the Fourth? Sure. Loud booms are scary, no matter how many snacks you throw at me. But this year, I’m ready to face the fireworks like the brave (but practical) Frenchie I am. With my survival plan locked and loaded, I’m determined to focus on the good stuff—hot dogs, cuddles, and celebrating this incredible country that lets me live my best life.

To all my fellow four-legged patriots out there—stay strong, stay snuggly, and remember, it’s okay to hide under the table when you need to. You’ve got this. And if your humans forget to drop you a burger crumb or two? Well, make them pay for it. It’s the least they can do during such an overwhelming assault of sound.

Until next week, dear readers—keep waving those flags, keep wagging those tails, and may your Fourth be kaboom-free.

Paw-triotically yours,

Winston