Winston’s Thanksgiving Food Report: You’re Doing It Wrong

Hello, dear readers! It’s me, Winston, your favorite French Bulldog and the internet’s most reliable source for four-legged hot takes. It’s a big week, my friends. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and while I’m pretty jazzed about the festivities, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little wary. You see, last year was my first real Thanksgiving experience, and let’s just say…I was absolutely appalled by some of the things humans dare to call food. I mean, do you guys even taste-test these dishes before serving them, or is it some kind of cruel Thanksgiving joke?

So, in anticipation of this year’s feast, I’m here to share my thoughts, memories, and plans for surviving the culinary chaos. Buckle up, friends.

Questionable Culinary Choices

Let’s take a trip back to Thanksgiving 365 days ago. There I was, a naïve little Frenchie with a healthy appetite and zero suspicions. I eagerly stationed myself under the table, tail wagging, ready to catch anything that fell from the cornucopia of delights above me. And then…it happened. Plate by plate, dish by dish, I witnessed horrors beyond my little wrinkled imagination. Allow me to list the worst offenders:

Stuffing: The Carb Catastrophe

“What is this conglomeration?” I remember asking myself. Bread? Herbs? Mysterious mushy wetness? It’s like someone mashed up leftovers from three failed meals and called it a day. Where’s the meat? The flavor? The dignity?! Stuffing is an insult to my sophisticated taste buds. Pass.

Jello Salad: Wobbly Weirdness

Oh no, this one still haunts my dreams. It’s jiggly. It’s brightly colored. It’s full of mayonnaise and vegetables and other gross things that I didn’t think belonged anywhere near gelatin. Why does it even move like that? Dear humans, I don’t trust any food that wiggles. Keep it far, far away from me.

Yams with Marshmallows: Sweet and Sinister

Vegetables smothered in sugary fluff? How is this allowed? Are we tricking people into thinking it’s dessert when it’s very much not? Psychological warfare, that’s what it is. It’s also offensive to the glorious potato in all its original, uncorrupted forms.

Cornbread Casserole: The Casserole Conundrum

Cornbread? Great. Casseroles? Debatable. Cornbread as a casserole? Unnecessary. What’s wrong with just sticking to the simplicity of perfectly moist cornbread? Humans are always overcomplicating things.

Liver Pate: The Final Straw

Picture this: a bowl of something grayish-brown and questionable, paired with crackers as if that masks its crimes. It looked suspiciously like something one would find in the backyard after I’ve had some indigestion and a nice walk, not something that belongs on the dinner table. Disgusting. Absolutely not.

My Plan for This Year

After last year’s culinary chaos, I’m approaching this Thanksgiving with cautious optimism. Sure, there were some humans who knew what they were doing (shoutout to the ones carving the turkey and stirring the gravy), but this time I’m prepared to avoid the horrors and dive straight for the good stuff. Here’s my foolproof game plan:

1. Early Positioning: I’ll secure my under-table real estate right next to the turkey station. Prime location is everything, folks. Gotta be first in line for anything delicious that hits the floor.
2. Selective Sniffing: No more blindly accepting scraps! If it doesn’t smell like glorious turkey or heavenly mashed potatoes, I’m holding out for something better.
3. Puppy Eyes on Demand: A classic Frenchie move, but one that works every time. If I see a plate with only the best bits—turkey, gravy, or a sneaky dollop of mashed potatoes—it’s showtime. No human can resist my powerful gaze.

Thanksgiving, Winston-Style

Well, dear reader, there you have it. I know Thanksgiving isn’t supposed to be all about the food, but come on, it accounts for at least 75%. So, as we approach Thanksgiving this year, may your plates be plentiful, your meat be tender, and your dishes be liver-pate-free. And for those brave dogs reading along—stay strong under those tables. Together, we can conquer this holiday one carefully selected scrap at a time.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Winston 🐾