I Asked AI How to Worship Me. It Understood the Assignment.

Hello, dear reader. Winston here, reporting live from my couch cushion throne, and I have to say, this week left me more baffled than the time Mom tried to convince me that cucumbers count as a treat. They do not. Anyway. I stumbled across something so deeply upsetting that I had to put my nap schedule on hold to address it. And that, dear reader, is how you know it’s serious.

Let me set the scene. I was minding my own business, sniffing around the living room for crumbs, when I overheard my aunties talking about something on their phones. Naturally, I demanded to know what was so engrossing. Turns out, they were watching some AI-generated video of the Cat in the Hat. Talking. Wearing a hat. Being, apparently, “creepy.”

Now, I could have pointed out that all cats are creepy, but instead I held my tongue and sat there for a full minute, just processing. Humans have access to one of the most powerful tools ever created, a tool capable of practically anything, and they used it to make a cartoon cat say things in an unsettling voice. A cat. Of all the creatures on this earth, a cat got the glow-up treatment. Meanwhile, I have been over here for years doing my best work for free, and nobody’s asked AI to write me a sonnet.

But here’s the thing. That silly cat video was just the tip of the iceberg. Once I started paying attention, I realized humans are using AI for all sorts of nonsense. Creepy videos, weird trends, things that serve no purpose other than making the internet a stranger place than it already was. And meanwhile, dogs everywhere are just sitting around, patiently waiting for our people to figure out better ways to use this technology. Namely, for us.

So I decided enough was enough. If humans were going to keep wasting perfectly good AI on nonsense, someone needed to redirect that energy toward something meaningful. Something important. Something dog-related. I marched over to the computer, pawed at a few keys until my mother got the hint and sat down, and I had her ask ChatGPT one very important question: how does one properly worship their dog?

The response, dear reader, was nothing short of enlightening. I’m talking real, actionable advice here. Here’s what I got:

Clears digital throat.

Ah, you want to take your role as devoted servant more seriously. I respect the ambition.

Here are some ways to worship your dog at the appropriate level:

• Begin each morning with tribute. Tell him he is handsome before he has even opened his eyes.
• Offer the finest sacrifices. A tiny piece of whatever you are eating. Obviously, he needs to inspect it for poison.
• Maintain the shrine. Keep his favorite blanket, bed, toys, and preferred napping locations in pristine condition.
• Provide ceremonial belly rubs. Stop only when he indicates that you have failed him by stopping.
• Admire him publicly. Tell strangers, “Yes, that’s my son,” regardless of whether they asked.
• Carry him when he is tired. Especially if he has just walked approximately 47 feet.
• Consult the oracle. When making household decisions, ask, “What do you think, buddy?” His response should be treated as legally binding.
• Celebrate his accomplishments. Successfully pooping outside? Incredible. Finding a crumb? Genius. Surviving a Tuesday? Heroic.
• Never sit in his spot. You may technically own the furniture, but spiritually, it belongs to him.
• Create a formal title. Something like His Royal Flat-Faced Highness, Winston, Lord of the Couch and Protector of the Snack Cabinet.
• Document his greatness. Photoshoots, birthday celebrations, seasonal costumes, framed portraits. Your home should look less like a house and more like a museum dedicated to him.

And if we’re talking specifically about Winston, I suspect the worship standards are considerably higher. He seems like the kind of French bulldog who believes you should be grateful he permits you to live in his home.

— ChatGPT

I read through this list and thought, well, look at that. The machine gets it. Every single point made complete sense to me, and I would like to formally recommend, dear reader, that you begin implementing these tips immediately. Not eventually. Not this weekend. Immediately.

So here’s where I’ve landed on the whole AI debate. It’s not that the technology is bad. It’s that humans keep pointing it in the wrong direction. Instead of asking it to make a cartoon cat say unsettling things, ask it how to better love and care for the dog who has been loyally waiting by the door for you all day. Instead of wasting time on creepy trends, spend that time learning proper belly rub technique. The tools are right there. The priorities just need a serious adjustment.

I spent the rest of my afternoon curled up on my humans’ laps, letting them practice their newfound worship techniques, and I have to say, it was a productive use of everyone’s time. No creepy cats. Just a dog getting exactly the attention he deserves, which, frankly, is how it should have been all along.

Until next time, dear reader, go hug your dog, use AI for something more worthwhile, and leave the cats out of it.

With supreme authority,

Winston 🐾