What Even Are Jack-O’-Lanterns?

Well, hello there, dear reader! It’s me, Winston, your favorite French Bulldog with the stinkiest snoot and most refined sense of curiosity. Another week has gone by, and boy, do I have some thoughts to share! Today’s topic: jack-o’-lanterns. Yes, those weird orange faces peeking out from porches like they know something I don’t. Spoiler alert: I don’t understand them at all.

Let me set the scene for you. Every day, I saunter through the neighborhood on my daily walk (leash on, nose to the ground, looking incredibly dashing, if I say so myself). Lately, I’ve been seeing these carved pumpkins everywhere. Big ones, small ones, lumpy ones, even a few that are shaped like cats! And for what? What’s with this human obsession, huh?

Naturally, I couldn’t let this mystery stew in my brain like an untouched chew toy. Oh no, dear reader, I took it upon myself to research. That’s right—I tapped into my inner scholar. Well, okay, technically, I sat beside my human while they Googled “What’s the deal with jack-o’-lanterns?” Turns out, this whole spectacle started with some Irish fella named Stingy Jack. Long story short, Jack made a mess of things, couldn’t get into Heaven or Hell, and ended up wandering Earth as a spirit. Yikes, right? People started carving creepy faces into turnips to scare him off, and BAM! The jack-o’-lantern was born.

Fast forward to when the Irish started coming to America, and pumpkins replaced turnips because, apparently, pumpkins are easier to find here. (Side note: Pumpkins are also much tastier as pie. I feel very strongly about pie.) And somehow, this odd tradition became a Halloween staple.

Here’s the thing, dear reader: the whole idea of jack-o’-lanterns feels…anticlimactic. They’re supposed to scare away evil spirits like Stingy Jack or whatever, but have you actually looked at one? They’re not scary—not even a little bit. Sloppy grins and triangle eyes? Please. I’ve seen toddlers throw scarier tantrums. Heck, I am scarier when my dinner is late. Ohhhh, you do not want to keep me waiting.

Plus, these pumpkins don’t do anything. They just sit there, looking smug—like, “Oooooh, look at me! I’m seasonal and festive.” Big whoop. Can they roll over? No. Can they fetch a ball? Didn’t think so. It sounds to me like what humans really need is a certain guard dog, if you know what I’m saying. (It’s me – I can be the guard dog.)

So, to sum it up: jack-o’-lanterns are confusing, overhyped, and not even remotely scary. If humans really want to spook someone, I recommend putting an empty food bowl in front of me. Now that’s nightmare fuel.

Until next time, dear reader. Keep your pumpkins devoted to pie and lattes the way God intended.

Spookily yours,

Winston 🐾