Hey. It’s me, Winston. Your favorite French Bulldog, style icon, and overall handsome pup. Let’s get straight to the point: snow is garbage. Yeah, I said it. That cold, wet, obnoxious white nonsense you humans seem to love is basically my worst nightmare.
I know, I know—you’re used to me being all cute and positive, but I’ve had it. Snow is where I draw the line. Here’s the cold, hard truth (pun intended):
Have you ever touched snow? It’s wet, it’s cold, and it’s basically nature’s way of being rude. The icy water seeps into my fur, and my tiny, noble body can’t handle it. My paws? Oh, they’re straight-up offended. And don’t even get me started on how other dogs (ugh, Huskies) seem to love this mess. Are they okay? Do they need help? Because nothing about snow is fun. NOTHING.
As if snow itself isn’t bad enough, then come the sweaters. And the boots. Oh, the boots. I look like I’m auditioning for some low-budget Christmas movie. The boots squish my paws, make me wobble around like a baby deer, and basically destroy any chance I have of looking cool. I’m all for fashion, don’t get me wrong, but this is just cruel. Snow forces me into outfits that are offensive to my personal brand.
Do you know what’s already annoying? Finding the perfect place to do my business. Do you know what makes it 1,000 times worse? Snow. The ground is frozen. Ice is everywhere. And the snow piles? Ridiculous. I end up pacing in circles like a maniac, trying to find a spot that isn’t completely awful. It’s exhausting. I’d rather just stay inside and hold it forever.
Snow shows up, and suddenly, the sun is like, “I’m out.” Gray skies, cold air, no sunshine—it’s horrible. And when the sun does decide to show up? It bounces off the snow like a billion tiny mirrors, blinding me and making everything worse. There’s no winning. It’s either depressing gloom or retina-searing light. Why is this even a thing? Can’t we just skip straight to spring?
Snowball fights? Nope—I’m covered in fur, so I’m an easy target, and my aim is terrible. Sledding? No way—have you seen how tiny and low to the ground I am? Building a snowman? Not happening—my paws don’t have opposable thumbs (thanks for nothing, evolution). Snow is supposed to be enjoyable, but it’s just not designed for dogs. Or at least not for this particular dog.
So there you have it. Snow sucks. Plain and simple. I’m beyond relieved that it hasn’t shown up much this year, and I hope it stays that way. My fur is dry, my paws are happy, and my life is better without that frozen nonsense.
If you also hate snow, let me know so we can bond over how much it sucks. And if you like snow? Well, don’t take it personally when I give you some serious side-eye next time I see you.
Stay warm and dry,
Winston 🐾