From Paws to Claws

Hey there, dear reader! It’s me again – Winston. Do you know what I love the most about Wednesdays? It’s the fact that the week is halfway over. I tell you what, being a hardworking office dog is so tiresome sometimes and I’ll let you know exactly why in extreme detail.

It’s the expectations, man. Because I am such a spry little pup people are always expecting things from me. They expect me to run around and play with toys, and go on walks even when it’s 1000 degrees, and always want belly scratches, and constantly be cuddling on someone’s lap. They expect me to head outside every couple of hours to go to the bathroom and always be a friendly little man. Of course, I’m spectacular at all those things (except for always going outside to potty, hehe), but the expectations are just eating me up.

What if I don’t want to go for a walk every day? What if I really just don’t feel like playing with my toys? Anytime a dog just wants to take some time to themself, the narrative suddenly becomes “Oh, that dog is so lazy” and “Huh, that dog is really boring.” It’s ridiculous. We can’t win.

You know who doesn’t face absurd expectations? Cats. They don’t have to do anything but lounge in their stupid little towers and lick themselves all day, and their owners are utterly amazed by their charm. In fact, cat owners don’t even expect to pet their felines on any given day. They’ll attempt a gentle head scratch, only to receive a mauling in return, and they shrug it off, saying, “Oh, that’s just Jerry. He’s a bit grumpy. Such a cute little guy.” Meanwhile, if I scratch a few people, I’m sent off to a training camp for a week to learn how to behave. How is this fair, people??!!

So, I have once come up with an incredible idea that’ll leave you all speechless at how amazing I am. I’m going to become a cat. Yes, dear reader, you heard me correctly. I am going to leave my dog self behind and embrace my inner cat. The tyranny ends today. No longer will I be held to ridiculous societal expectations thrust upon me by humankind.

I have already made my way up the ridiculous cat tower in the office and claimed it as my own. I do have to give it up to my fellow felines – it is nice to look down judgmentally at my worshippers. I can feel my superiority complex deepening as I blink critically at those who walk past me. I’m eagerly waiting for someone to try to pet me so I can hiss at them and smack them across the face. Not to mention, there’s a bowl on the counter that I am eyeing – perhaps I’ll knock it off for absolutely no reason other than to hear the howls of anguish from the peasants who feed me.

But then again, maybe being a cat isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sure, they have their freedom and independence, but at the cost of constant love and affection from their owners. I may not always enjoy the expectations put upon me as a dog, but at least I know I am loved unconditionally by my humans. And that is something no amount of superiority or lounging in a tower can ever replace.

So, for now, I’ll stick to being Winston – office dog extraordinaire. My stub of a tail may wag endlessly, and I may get tired out from playing fetch constantly, but at least I know deep down that it’s because my humans love me just the way I am. And that’s something no amount of rebellion or transformation can ever change. So, bring on the expectations; I’ll continue to exceed them with a wag and a smile because that’s just who I am. A dog who loves unconditionally and always tries his best to make those around him happy. And you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing. Dogs rule, cats drool. (Sorry, not sorry, you freaky cat lovers.)

Peace out and be yourself.

-Winston