Hi there, dear reader. Don’t mind me; I’m just over here taking a super mature moment of self-reflection (with my paw over my heart) after… well, how do I put this delicately? I, Winston the Wonderful, have already failed at my New Year’s resolutions.
I know, you’re shocked. “But Winston,” I hear you say, “How can a pup so irresistibly fabulous fall short of his own perfectly crafted goals?” The truth is, even the most marvelous French Bulldog of all time (yes, me) is not immune to a little… slipshod resolution-keeping.
Allow me to share my tale of limited triumph and (mostly) failure. Grab a puppuccino, and make yourself comfortable.
Status: FAILED
This one turned out to be my Achilles’ paw. The plan? Save all my legendary tail wiggles for the rare elite deserving of my affection (aka anyone armed with treats). The reality? If someone so much as glances at me—even the neighbor who still calls me “too loud”—my instincts take over. Wiggle waggle. Wiggle waggle. I can’t help it. My love is just TOO powerful to contain. Can you really blame me? I don’t think so.
Status: Um… WORK IN PROGRESS?
You see, dear reader, I am a creative spirit, and rules constrict my natural flair for spontaneity. Sure, I’ll sit when asked—if the timing aligns with my artistic mood (and there’s a high-value treat at stake). Am I inconsistent? Perhaps. But some may call it mysterious, and isn’t mystery part of the charm? Exactly.
Status: SEMI-PASS
Okay, I’ll admit I cheated a little here. I’ve been reserving my dramatic barking performances for more “important” matters… like the horrifying squirrel in the yard. (Why does it scamper with such purpose? What is it plotting?!) Also, the suspiciously loud vacuum cleaner has been added to my official “critically important bark-worthy threats” list. The mailman, of course, remains foe numero uno.
Status: A PUZZLE IN PROGRESS
I made a valiant attempt here. I really did. Carrots? Meh. Peanut butter? Getting there. But do you know what’s still better than haute cuisine? A cheesy Dorito crumb from under the couch cushions. I may be French, but I’m still a pup of the people. Gourmet dining can wait… probably forever.
Status: ABSOLUTE PERFECTION
I would like it to be officially noted that I crushed this one. Every morning, I energetically trot one lap around the yard before kaplonk-ing onto my favorite sunlit spot for a nice, long snooze. Fitness with finesse, friends. Who needs CrossFit when you’ve mastered Paw-sitively Minimal Effort Fit? (Patents pending.)
Status: QUESTIONABLE
Reader, I’ve tried it all. The dazzling head tilts. The playful spins. The world-class butt wiggles. But this neighbor remains deadpan. Perhaps their heart is made of stone—or, more likely, they’re immune to joy. (The audacity!) But don’t fret. I will not give up until they recognize my undeniable greatness. I’m playing the long game.
Status: NAILED IT
With every paw placement, I grow bolder. Every smize sharper. I’ve even added the occasional over-the-shoulder glance that whispers, “Yes, mere mortal, you get to live in my timeline.” Prepare yourselves, modeling world—2025 is my year. (Don’t @ me, Gigi Hadid.)
Status: PFFT, NEXT
Haha, as if. Moving on.
Status: VICTORY!
Listen, I don’t actually have a tail, but my refined wiggling form has cemented me as a true artiste. When Winston enters the room, people take notice—and sometimes giggle. That’s star power, baby.
Status: NATURAL TALENT
This one was never in doubt. Have you seen me? My presence is a gift, and every day I wake up more fabulous than the last. You’re welcome, world. ✨
If you’ve made it this far (and who could blame you, I’m riveting), here’s what I’ve learned from this little experiment in self-improvement:
Paws and kisses,
Winston