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An Office Dog’s Quest for a #CleanButt

Sniff, sniff, sniff. Do you guys smell that? Sniff, sniff, sniff. Gosh, where is that awful stench coming from…oh. Oh no. It’s me. Dad! Get the puppy wipes ASAP! Things are happening.


Well, sorry about that, dear reader. It would appear that I was just tad stanky. But we must power through on this fine Wednesday. As you all know I am quite the go-getter pup. I have conquered lesser dog breeds, created an empire of French Bulldog websites, discovered unrequited love, and have kept this office running smoother than a golden retriever ever could. Yeah, I said it.

But, I do have this one little problem. For lack of a more eloquent turn of phrase, I FART. A lot. It doesn’t matter what I eat or when I eat, my butt has been known to unleash a fiery vengeance. My aunties would say it’s quite problematic. I would say they need to grow up. Just because my stomach’s rumblings can be heard across the room and the potent odor emitted by my small frame has the power to singe eyebrows and incapacitate a horse, it doesn’t imply that I am problematic. Right?

Despite my belief that this isn’t nearly as big of a problem as everyone is making it out to be, it is a problem I want to resolve. For one thing, the stomach rumblings have got to stop. I know I am not allowed to divulge in the delights of Taco Bell and Seven Eleven taquitos but with the way my stomach rumbles one would assume those are the only things I have ever eaten in my short puppy life. It’s embarrassing to have everyone glance nervously at me from the corner of their eyes wondering when my rear end is going to blow. I want to be revered, not feared.

Not to mention, this gastrointestinal issue is severely impacting my cuddle time – and you know how I feel about being rocked to sleep like the sweet prince I am. My tummy problems tend to worsen in my sleep, so when I fall asleep on my aunties laps, they end up suffering the consequences. One of my poor aunties almost threw up one time while holding me. Each of my little toots hit her like a wall and it took every bit of her strength not to put me down. It was only my irresistible charm that kept her from disturbing my slumber. My nap time cannot ever become so endangered again.

So, I am on a mission to cure my stank. So far I have tried every dog food out there, even the expensive organic ones. I’ve taken supplements and probiotics. I’ve even begged my aunties to let me try a raw diet…but alas, they said no. My only option seems to be some sort of detox program or cleanse – but what do I know about those? So, dear reader, if you have any suggestions, please send them my way. My tummy and my aunties noses will thank you.

In the meantime, I will continue to be the best pup I can be – farting and all. After all, it’s just part of who I am and I wouldn’t want to change that. But a little improvement never hurt anyone, right? Plus, who knows, maybe one day I’ll be able to cuddle without causing a toxic gas emergency. A pup can dream, can’t he? #teamcleanbutt and all that jazz. Fingers crossed, my dear readers. Fingers crossed.

Stinky, but endlessly yours,




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